Ohhhhh Manny!

Some people have a gift in life. For Anton Chekhov, his writing was his gift. For Grant Wood, painting was his gift. Johnny Cash gave us the gift of music. Manny Ramirez has the gift of being able to hit a baseball. And it's a good thing he has that gift, because he is too stupid to do anything otherwise. To prove that he is truly an idiot savant with a bat, he has become the first player in the major leagues to face suspension twice under the Major League Baseball drug testing system.

Rather than deal with the 100 game suspension that he faces, Ramirez has decided to retire from baseball. In a statement from the MLB, "Major League Baseball recently notified Manny Ramirez of an issue under Major League Baseball's Joint Drug Prevention and Treatment Program. Rather than continue with the process under the Program, Ramirez has informed MLB that he is retiring as an active player. If Ramirez seeks reinstatement in the future, the process under the Drug Program will be completed." Way to walk away from taking responsibility, Manny! You have done the athletic equivalent of quitting before you could be fired for either gross negligence or a serious ethics violation.

Now that Manny will have all this free time, maybe he will now be able to deal with other personal problems. After all, his first suspension under the MLB substance abuse policy was for hCG (human chorionic gonadotropin, a women's fertility drug. So, now that he's no longer subject to testing for 'performance enhancers' Manny should be able to use Viagra. Remember how Rafael Palmeiro used to be the spokesperson for that drug? Remember for Palmeiro got busted for 'performance enhancers'? I see the connection there.

Or, perhaps the reason why he was using a women's fertility drug had a deeper meaning. Maybe Manny secretly wanted to be a woman. Maybe Manny had dreams of dressing like RuPaul when going to bat. Maybe this latest violation is simply due to increased levels of estrogen in his system, which is being used to kickstart his transformation. But then again, this would require Manny to be able to concentrate on something for longer than ten seconds. After all, he does have the attention span of a four year old on coke at a petting zoo. Or it would require Manny to think. He continues to prove that breathing is a natural reaction.

It takes a special kind of stupid to be caught under any sports PED testing guidelines. It takes a truly epic lack of intellect to be caught twice. Or, perhaps it was an amazing amount of apathy. Maybe Manny just didn't care if he got caught or not, and continued to do what he felt like. Either way, it's too bad. Ramirez had one of the classic swings in baseball, and may have been a Hall of Fame caliber player without the PED's. Now, his legacy is tarnished, and the Hall of Fame is probably as far away from Manny as a textbook on quantum physics.

So, farewell Manny. Yours should be a cautionary tale for other major leaguers on why it's important to be able to do something other than hit a baseball. It's also important to be able to think.