Friday, December 30, 2011

Another Meaningless College Bowl Game

It’s that time of year again – where teams that barely finished above .500 get invited to another meaningless college bowl games designed to make them feel good about themselves. Yes, it is the collegiate version of the ‘Participation Trophy’ that small children get so that their self-esteem isn’t crushed. At least those are given for, at most, a weekend’s worth of activity. The bowl games go on for a month.

Some of these games are absolutely ridiculous, such as today’s Pinstripe Bowl. Really? The Pinstripe Bowl? Who would sponsor such a thing? The suits worn by Chicago gangsters during the 1930′s? The New York Yankees? Guess we now know why the Steinbrenners are not spending money on free agents this year. The sponsorship rights for this bowl game must have really cut into their budget.

So, who actually cares about these games? Well, the parents of the players involved. Maybe. Chances are, most of them are bored out of their skulls, like they’re stuck watching some crappy elementary school play. At any rate, the only people that have any real interest in these games are degenerate gamblers and Las Vegas. Yup, more chances to separate so-called ‘experts’ from their cash when they bet on a college they just learned existed.

Seriously, why do these bowl games exist? Just to pump more money into the coffers of the NCAA. Meanwhile, they will just continue to be ignored by the world at large.

Monday, December 26, 2011

All He Does Is Win

In the NFL, the only thing that matters is whether or not a team wins. It doesn’t matter how the victory occurs, so long as the wins column receives another mark. So, the time has come to recognize someone that does nothing but win football games, no matter how ugly it may look out there. A man who has a penchant for leading his team to come from behind victories, often in rather miraculous fashion. A man who didn’t even start for his own team at the start of the season, and was seemingly unwanted by his own head coach. That’s right, we’re here to talk about John Skelton.

John Skelton? Yes, this man is why the Arizona Cardinals were even in playoff contention until this past week. He has managed to put together a winning percentage that is close to another quarterback that, according to his defenders, does nothing more than win in Tim Tebow. In fact, Tebow’s winning percentage is .615 at present. Skelton is at .600.

So, while Tebow gets all the credit for managing to win football games in rather unorthodox fashion, Skelton wins games also. Unlike Tebow however, Skelton does not have a solid defense or a great running game to rely upon. What he has is Larry Fitzgerald, which means that Skelton actually has to play quarterback. Apparently, this is a novel concept for a quarterback to, you know, actually look competent when throwing a football. While he may have accuracy issues (12 touchdowns to 15 interceptions in his career), it should not matter, since he wins games. At least, that’s the argument the Tebow crowd has.

In the end, it’s time to give some love to John Skelton. Since, you know, he actually can play quarterback in the NFL, unlike that fullback that’s simply lining up behind center.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Kris Humphries - NBA's Most Hated

Well, LeBron James has now lost another title – the coveted mantle of being the most hated player in the NBA.

Kris Humphries, he of the 78 day marriage to a Kardashian, was voted as the most heated player by the public, with a whopping 50% of people stating that they hate him. Perhaps this is due to the overexposure of the Kardashian  family (Lamar Odom was 10th). Perhaps this is because he wasted an obscene amount of money on an engagement ring. Or perhaps this is because Kardashian fans are complete and utter morons.

The venom from fans of the Kardashian Show towards Kris Humphries has to do with him telling Kim Kardashian that she “has no talent and a fat ass.” Know what? He’s right! She does have a fat ass. Ever listen to her sing or try to act? She doesn’t have any talent, unless it involves that sex tape that made her famous. Even then, she really doesn’t seem that worthwhile. Seriously, why would anyone want to nail her, especially since they would have to listen to whatever inanity she babbled about afterwards? One can only listen to “I like shoes” and “I’m a spoiled rich bitch” for so long before wanting to throttle themselves with barbed wire.

So, the whole KarHump (what I think they should have been called, since she’s a whore and probably humped in many cars) thing got Kris Humphries a lot more than the multitude of venereal diseases that he now has. It also got him notoriety, as the NBA’s Most Hated Player. Enjoy those fifteen minutes of fame Kris. This time next year, no one will remember you.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Farewell To The Greatest

Sad news came across the sports universe the other day, as the greatest athlete in the history of ever has passed. No, we are not talking about Muhammad Ali or Bo Jackson. This man outshined both. Indeed, Jim Thorpe and Babe Didrickson Zaharias were not even close to the level of pure athleticism possessed by this man, the most natural of athletes in the history of ever. Yes, we are here to mourn the passing of that true legend of sport – Kim Jung Il.

Golf is a difficult hobby to master. Unless, of course, you happen to be Kim Jung Il, a man so amazing that even the Dos Equis guy felt worthless when confronted by his presence. Kim Jung Il had five holes in one. In one game. The first time he ever played. In fact, he shot a 36 for the game. And that was only because he played the last five holes blindfolded. Tiger who? This man would have destroyed the PGA if he wasn’t so busy being the benevolent leader to the masses.

Apparently bored, Kim Jung Il switched his attention to bowling. He then promptly bowled a 300. First time he ever bowled as well. In fact, his bowling prowress was so astonishing that the pins fell on their own accord when he walked up after the first five frames, just to avoid being struck by a ball flung with the power of the gods themselves. It’s a good thing for the PBA that he never joined, otherwise that tour would have been in a North Korean stranglehold for years.

So today, put aside a little time to remember a true legend in the world of sport. Kim Jung Il was the greatest athlete that ever lived. Just check the North Korean newspapers.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

The Clippers As Contenders

David Stern has struck yet again, further emasculating Hornets GM Dell Demps as he overvalues the worth of Chris Paul. This time, he has squashed a trade that would have sent Paul to the Clippers for Eric Gordon, Eric Bledsoe, Chris Kaman, Al-Faroq Aminu, and Minnesota’s 2012 first round pick. And you know what? The Clippers should be glad that he did.

The Clippers right now have one of the best cores of talent in the NBA. Think about that for a moment – the CLIPPERS, a perennial joke of a franchise that could have the basketball version of Major Leagues made about them, might be the best basketball team in Los Angeles. This is without Chris Paul; in fact, getting Paul would actually hurt the Clippers’ nucleus. Eric Gordon is one of the best young shooting guards in the game, and can flat out score. Kaman is a solid center that can do all the little things needed to win. Eric Bledsoe is a good young point guard, and will now get to learn from the recently acquired Chauncey Billips. Blake Griffin is an absolute beast; and paired with DeAndre Jordan, may give the Clippers one of the best front courts in the NBA. Add Ryan Gomes, the recently signed Caron Butler, and role players like Randy Foye and Mo Williams, and the Clippers have quietly become contenders.

Notice what name is missing from the list? Chris Paul. The Clippers don’t need him, and would be better off not gutting their team to acquire him. In fact, given the demands by Das NBA Fuhrer, Paul is destined to spend the season languishing on a terrible Hornets team, then will end up bolting in free agency. The Clippers could always make a move to sign him then, and grow even stronger.

The LA Clippers could be a contender for years to come if they stay patient and do not overreach for the flashy name. Who would have ever thought that the best team in Los Angeles for years to come may not be the Lakers?

Saturday, December 10, 2011

David Stern Must Go

Mark December 8, 2011 as the date that the NBA officially lost it’s relevance in the professional sports world.

Not only did wanna-be mafia boss David Stern block a trade that he authorized the general manager of a team that is owned by the league to make, but he also has permitted a group of whining, petulant owners who have the forethought and reasoning skills of toddlers to determine league policy. The worst part in all of this is that the Hornets actually got the best end of the trade. Now, despite claiming that Chris Paul can still be traded, he has managed to emasculate his general manager on any and all future moves.

Yes, Chris Paul is the biggest name, but he is also the biggest risk. With the Lakers acquiring Paul, they would have based their foundation on Paul and his bad knee, Andrew Bynum’s immaturity, and Kobe Bryant’s two bad knees. Any front court depth would be eliminated. Any consistency from the low post in scoring would be eliminated. And what if Kobe did not want to share the spotlight with Chris Paul? This could have either been a great move for the Lakers, or a move that they would be regretting for years.

The Rockets, meanwhile, managed to get a player that is a top three center in Pau Gasol, and were closing in on signing Nene. Oh, and that three year plan they had where they acquired enough solid pieces to be able to make a move like this one? Well, that just got blown up. Now what are the Rockets to do? They specifically planned for this year, and when players of that caliber would become available. Now they’re destined to mediocrity for the foreseeable future.

The Hornets, meanwhile, managed to turn one petulant superstar into one of the better scoring shooting guards in the game with Kevin Martin, a good big man in Luis Scola, a proven forward who can play either the two or the three in Lamar Odom, a talented young point guard in Goran Dragic, and a first round draft pick. Not a bad haul considering that Paul was trying to dictate where he would end up.

Meanwhile, Dan Gilbert comes across as being a teenage girl. His affinity for the Comic Sans font aside, the e-mail he sent out read like a post ona  fantasy league chat board complaining about the trade. His whining and overuse of punctuation made it feel like he posted his complaints on David Stern’s FaceBook wall. The only things that were missing were a couple of OMGs and a LMFAO. Seriously, who writes his e-mails, some emo teenaged brat? Pathetic.

Try to defend your decision all you want, David Stern. The truth is, the game has passed you by. Any authority and credibility you had is now irrevocably lost. Leave the game while you still have some dignity intact. What’s left of the NBA will be better for it.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Baseball's Dream Team

Apparently, putting together a ‘Dream Team’ has become the latest trend, roughly akin to the latest technological device. And like that new technology, it hasn’t worked out as expected.

Remember when the Miami Heat rolled out the first ‘Dream Team’ and how everyone anointed them as the NBA Champions before a single game had been played? Remember how LeBron demonstrated that he could count to seven as though he was the NBA version of The Count from Sesame Street when discussing how many championships they would win? Or remember how the Philadelphia Eagles were thought to be the future Super Bowl Champions and the regular season was merely a formality? Yeah, how well did that work out for either team?

Now the Miami Marlins are ignoring the lessons of history. And not distant history, such as when military leaders manage to forget that attacking Russia in the winter is a bad idea. This is recent history; in fact, it’s history in their own city. Obviously foresight and recognition of a problem are not amongst the strengths of the Marlins front office.

To further this point, look at the acquisitions they have made and the players they have been linked to. Already, they have signed Jose Reyes, Mark Buehrle, and Heath Bell. They have been linked to C.J. Wilson, Albert Pujols, and Prince Fielder. Now, look at the roster that they are returning. Of the problems the Marlins had, shortstop and first base were not amongst those. Yes, they needed some help in the rotation and Buehrle fits that role, but does anyone really think that C.J. Wilson is truly worth ace money, especially when they already have Josh Johnson? Ridiculous.

Then there is the insanity that was the Jose Reyes signing. They already had an All-Star caliber shortstop in Hanley Ramirez. So why spend a ludicrous amount of money on a shortstop that can never stay healthy? Especially one with a history of leg, knee, and ankle injuries, whose best asset just so happens to be speed? Did they really expect Ramirez to be ok with the move, and quietly slide over the third base? Guess they completely botched their appraisal of that situation.

Meanwhile, the two most glaring holes on their roster have yet to actually be addressed. The primary third basemen for the Marlins hit a total of eight home runs last year. Eight. The had a center field combo that involved Emilio Bonifacio and Chris Coghlan. But obviously, those positions should not be a priority in free agency, when the team is opening it’s checkbook for the first time since 1997.

Sadly, there are free agents available that would have helped the Marlins in those very spots. Aramis Ramirez comes to mind. His bat in the middle of that lineup would make the Marlins rather formidable. Center field would be a bit harder to fill, but David DeJesus would have been a nice addition and can play a bit of center. Of the remaining free agents, Coco Crisp would be a solid signing, and probably would not cost a lot. This would allow the Marlins to spend money locking up their own talented young players. Instead, they will have a total of six players under contract in 2013. Six. Guess they didn’t get the memo that they are not playing fantasy baseball down there.

Like the other ‘Dream Teams’, this one will fail to meet expectations. Expect the Marlins to miss the playoffs, and unless Ozzie Guillen works more of his magic, they will finish below .500.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

The Big Not Quite East

The Big East, a conference that has been plundered so often recently that it may as well be considered for a Pirates of the Caribbean sequel, has finally added several new colleges. These colleges are Boise State, San Diego State, SMU, Houston, and UCF. Boise State and San Diego State will join for football exclusively, while the other three schools are joining for all sports.

Obviously, Big East schools are paying most of their attention to sports, and not as much to education. If they had even the slightest knowledge of basic geography, they would be aware that Idaho and California are not exactly close to the east coast. In fact, neither are Houston or SMU, but they are a lot closer than Boise Sate and San Diego State. Suppose the argument could be made that Idaho and California are east of some things, like Anchorage and Hawaii, but does that truly matter?

College realignment has completely disregarded the notion of proximety. In fact, the Big East has completely disregarded the notion of having all their schools in the same time zone. They now have their new claim to fame – being the first conference in college athletics to have schools in all four continental time zones. This is such an accomplishment, that the conference trophy should be replaced with a time zone map and each school can play for a year’s supply of No Jet Lag – the medication used by such notable teams as the All Blacks (please send us money for the advertising, thanks).

Then there is the question of what this conference should be named. The Big East Of Alaska? The Big Not So East? The Big Time Zone? The Big Screw All Semblance Of Caring About Education For The Athletes? Or what about getting rid of all pretense of being about ‘amateur’ play, and sell the naming rights for the conference? Seriously, why wouldn’t a company like Jet Blue or Southwest Airlines jump all over this? This conference is tailor made for their area of expertise.

So, at least one conference has the nerve to admit what they truly are. Let’s hear it for the Big East – the first conference that really only cares about their standing amongst athletic programs.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

What The Shanahan - Part Five

Remember back in the offseason, when Rex Grossman stated that the Redskins would be the team to beat in the NFC East for 2011? That notion seemed to be as insane as any proposed sequel for Ishtar. So, everyone laughed it off, and basically thought that the NFL drug policy obviously does not check for hallucinatory drugs. Then the Redskins started off the season 3-1, and suddenly people were jumping on their bandwagon, thinking that maybe Rex Grossman was really not that insane all along.
Funny thing about terrible teams – they will eventually revert back to the mean. Week One, the Redskins beat an injured New York Gians team that was still trying to figure out who to start in the secondary. In Weeks Two and Four, they defeated terrible teams in Arizona and St. Louis. Not exactly a murderer’s row of competetion there, especially since half of the teams in the college ranks could defeat them.

The most damning statistic to come out of the first twelve weeks is the flat ineptitude that the offense has shown. Previously, Shanahan had success in plugging in just about anyone as a starting running back, and getting them to produce. But how much of this was the ‘genius’ of Shanahan, and how much was the zone blocking scheme of Gary Kubiak? Fascinating to note that the Texans, who Kubiak coaches, can run the ball with ease, while Shanahan’s Redskins are 29th in the league in rushing yards.

The quarterbacks have been equally, and predictably, atrocious. Aside from Mike Shanahan, did anyone really expect the Disasterous Duo of Rex Grossman and John Beck not to suck? After all, John Beck has NEVER won an NFL game. Think about that for a moment. And this is the guy that Shanahan felt he could turn into an actual NFL quarterback? No wonder they have the sixth fewest points scored in the entire league.

Again, this really comes back to that overgrown Oompa Loompa Shanahan having a reputation for being better than he actually is. For all of the success that he is perceived to have, it all came riding the coattails of one John Elway. In fact, when not coaching Elway, Shanahan is 1-5 in playoff games. Yes, that’s right – one win and five losses. That is worse than the poster boy for playoff futility, Marty Schottenheimer. He’s 5-13 in playoff games. So, without Elway, how good a coach is Mike Shanahan? Answer – not that good.

So, as the Redskins prepare to face a good Jets team this weekend, get ready to laugh, cry, and be astonished. Not that the Jets are as great as they are going to look, but that the Redskins are that terrible. There will be no improvement until Dan Synder comes to his senses, asks What The Shanahan, and makes a coaching change.